You know you have more work on accepting hearing loss when:

The responses: Page Five

Various members of the SayWhatClub
Copyright 2002

Nancy Perron I believe I have had my hearing loss many more years than you have, Bobeee, even though you may be a tad older. The day in high school that I finally accepted that the hearing loss was a definite part of who I was and it happened through no one's fault was the day I accepted with self confidence and vigor the attitude that I will enjoy life as best as possible and accept the way I am and like me. It's all in the attitude, Bobeee. I have a good job and people tell me it's my positive attitude. I have a little part time job as well and they tell me they like my attitude. I still have the hearing loss along with a CI, but what got me where I am is a positive attitude of acceptance. In general I like people. Intelligent conversation and a positive outlook..... It's the attitude. Hal Raines Hi Bob and Others - I have been quietly following the conversations and your comments piqued my interest and observations. Have you noticed that many of our SWC folks have been divorced?? I am wondering if hearing difficulties that seem to make us more grouchy are the reason that our spouses throw in the towel. I mean, you describe being curt with Ling. Julie, my wife, has talked to me about similar things. Thank goodness that we have spouses that are willing to call our attention to the "rude," things we do. This may sound like a cop out but the effort of HEARING at times makes it very tough to keep all of the other social things together. Unfortunately, we (I) find myself sporadically taking my loved ones for granted and being brusque with them when I need to ignore lesser important folks and focus on loving and caring for family. It seems that I get the priorities mixed up. So, do others find that acceptance of one's deafness is a necessary reality? What about not being ready to say, "I'm deaf." That being said, how does one negotiate that area, and it is a BIG gray area for most of us, where we are hearing less than we did and therefore do not always hear what is spoken. Nor are we deaf as a stone. The spouse fails to realize that which they merely intended as help, feels like piteous enabling. Their intent is not always our perceived reality. Compound that with stubbornness of males that are customarily self-sufficient and the challenges multiply exponentially. Bob, I do not think that I have answered your questions, so much as asked for clarification from myself. Alan Czarnek Hi Bob, It's my opinion that the advice that we should 'accept our hearing loss' is overrated. Remember the old saying, 'to change the things that we can, to accept the things that we cannot change and to have the wisdom to know the difference.' If we are unhappy with a situation, we should *only* 'accept' what we TRULY cannot change. What that means to me is to try every available means to make a change in the situation, to leave no stone unturned, to continue to explore every avenue in an attempt to change the situation that we are unhappy about. And yes, if all the avenues lead to dead-ends, then 'accept' the situation until perhaps another avenue becomes available. When it does, try *that* one. As you know, I had a tremendously difficult time with the whole idea of accepting my hearing loss. And I continued to explore every avenue available just in case one of them would be the one where I could 'change the things that I can change.' And lo and behold, I finally arrived at 'CI Avenue.' And I changed the things I could change. And now when people walk behind and say things to me - I can hear and understand them..... I'ts cool! :-) So before you accept not being able to hear Ling when she walks behind you, ask yourself the question, "Am I absolutely sure that I have tried every option available to me?"

Ron Mitchell Yo, Bob, I've been working on accepting deafness for 59 years and have a ways to go. However, we don't necessarily have to accept all the crap that we get as a result of our deafness. Well OK, it's a hearing world and we do have to accept a lot but we don't have to feel guilty for being annoyed. Ling's action of tugging on your backpack to alert you to the problem was an inappropriate way of signaling. Imagine how it must be within the Deaf Culture where these situations arise all the time. There's a whole lexicon of methods involving touching, gesturing, and body language for getting another's attention in a manner appropriate to the situation. In this case probably the signal would be a few rapid pats on the upper arm. I do believe a that whole workshop on signaling between deaf and hearing partners would be beneficial.   Dale Oftebro Bob, I've known you for awhile now, and I've sensed in many of your "musings" your difficulties in dealing with the limitations hearing loss brings into your life. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make is "right", but life doesn't work that way. The more people I meet through the SWC, the more I feel that it's not only acceptance of the way we are, it is the self-esteem (or lack thereof) factor that creates many of the challenges. I can think of a couple of SWCers I know personally who are "okay" with their situation, and the common denominator seems to be good self-esteem. I'm reading a book right now by Dr. Phil (of Oprah fame) called Self Matters - which I'm only part way through, but it is fascinating reading. He talks about our self-concept - which is shaped by events, choices, and people - and is affected both by truth and fiction. Those of us who are "of a certain age" have experienced many different things and been shaped by them - some good, some not - we've internalized things as "true", that aren't true. I do know I was exceptionally fortunate in having a very positive family situation, good teachers, an ability to "fit in" with the oral world that most people with hearing loss don't have - so I know I've led a charmed life - and can't begin to truly understand the hurts that so many of you have had to face. One of the things I'm remembering from the above book is Dr. Phil's analogy of a burn to "defining moments" in our lives. While the burn may be brief - it can go very deep - and the scar is there. Likewise, difficult times in our lives, while we may no longer be conscious of them, can scar us just the same. I don't know if I've given you any help here, Bob. Like others have commented, I HATE to be tapped - drives me nuts. But as one said, we have to educate those around us. Just the fact that you were able to think through the situation and your reaction shows that you're finding some reasons and hopefully, in time, some answers that will bring you to acceptance. I once read that we want to be in control - we want things to be the way "they should be" - and life isn't that way at all. Knowing that we aren't in control, and being okay with that, knowing that things aren't the way they "should be", and being okay with that, does help to bring peace. Anonymous Bob, are you really sure that your annoyance had something to do with hearing loss? Could be that you just don't like to be tugged at your backpack? Sometimes we are oversensitive. I for example, don't like if someone is tapping their forefinger to my neck or shoulder in a certain way, I just get a furious heat within seconds, don't know why. Though it goes away fast, too. Ling has also to accept that you are oversensitive sometimes, too. And who likes to be "lectured" about something so trivial like an open backpack, anyway? I often say "never mind" when people remind me that my backpack is open (on a sunny day). Of what importance is it, really? (Except if you have things of values in it or when it is raining). Usually the things don't fall out. I don't assume you are doing saltos and cartwheels, do you?

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