Karen Hornung

Hi Bob,

I sure wish I knew the answer to this. I will read the replies with interest.

My deafness has definately made me more easily annoyed and grumpy. I used to be a very, very patient person. I am not so patient now. I can give as an example: my decreased ability to handle stress at work. Before I became deaf, I never, ever would raise my voice or lose my temper at work. After I became deaf, I lost my temper several times, even yelled at my boss once. I am ashamed of myself when this happens.

Being HOH is extremely stressful and its a stress that you cannot get away from. I don't think I will ever make peace with my hearing loss.

What a good question.

I think part of it stems from being "normal" at one point and, by whatever process, becoming not "normal". We all at some point have heard the world out there and it has been taken away from us.

A loss like that is daunting and some of us just don't seem to be able to get over the hill to acceptance. Plus I think we all have good days and bad days. I know I deal with it better sometimes than other times.

Bob eee, you are very fortunate to have a wonderful, understanding wife, I wish I could find a man like her.

Mike Keeping

Hi Bob,

The way I look at it is that there is no law that says we have to accept our hearing losses. I am reminded hundreds of times per day that I'm hearing impaired and because of it I'm always having to "deal with it." I really get tired of dealing with it all the time. Mostly I just want to live in peace and bliss out as much as I can.

However, modern life dictates that I have to exist in a busy, competitive world owned and operated by hearing people. I'm guilty of responding testily to people because of something they said or did relating to my hearing loss. I always feel immediate guilt just like you did with Ling. But life goes on. We only have so many days on this earth, Bob. May as well not fight it too much and accept that you won't accept your deafness.

Sue Smith

Bob,

Why should you have to "accept" your hearing loss? I don't and I never will. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go deaf at 45 years of age...it just happened. Some things we have to learn to live with, but that doesn't mean we have to accept it. It also means we may not be able to change it either.

Now, it also seems to me that you may be angry about this situation. That is something you can change. But dealing with your anger doesn't mean you accept your deafness. If there was a pill that came out tomorrow to reverse my deafness, you'd better believe I'd be first in line for it.

Karen Sadler

Your reaction is the same as all of us have at some time or another. It took over 35 years for me to accept my hearing loss as being part of me. Why did it take that long? Part of it is society's response to hearing loss. The world perceives deafness as an irritant. We are not an obvious or visual disability. Rather than seeing our ears not working, the world tends to equate our lack of answers or our giving of wrong answers, as being either rude or less than intelligent.

Since we have also soaked up social perception towards hearing loss this way, we tend to treat ourselves with disdain. And so we hide the loss and attempt to fake our way through life. Hearing aid commercials bring this up constantly. '"All in the ear canal pal" hearing aid will give you more hearing, without being seen by other people' says the advertising for Miracle Ear, for Beltone, and other questionable enterprises. What is important here is not that you get enough amplification to hear what you need to hear, but rather that you hide your hearing loss, because in this society, hearing loss is not admirable like those who overcome blindness...it is an embarrassment.

Now what happens when we are embarrassed? We tend to get mad, even at those who are trying to keep us from being embarrassed (such as Ling here). Even if LIng was trying to keep you from losing your wallet, which is very important, you were embarrassed. Now what did closing your backpack have to do with your hearing? Nothing. My husband is hearing and he forgets from here to the corner of our house, where he is going. Inevitably I will have to remind him when we get to the corner of the street which direction he is supposed to go in. That has nothing to do with his hearing. Nor does it have anything to do with his intelligence. He just does not have the memory for certain things like directions, whereas I do. You say Ling got your attention by pulling on your backpack. Well, I get mad at people stomping at me. Why? Because I am not a dog. I do not appreciate being stomped at like a dog. That may be fine for other deaf people, but if you do that to me, I promise I will bite you head off verbally! Now Ling pulling on your backpack irritated you. Ok, so what would you have her do?

Each hearing and deaf couple needs to make compromises in their marriages to make it work. I've told Dan that flicking the lights or waving his hand so I can see it are acceptable alternatives to stomping at me. He often touches me gently on the shoulder when I am on the computer or reading to get my attention. You need to set up with Ling what is acceptable for her to do to get your attention. Maybe Ling should have just gently stepped behind you and zipped up your bag. Would you then have said "Thank you" and kept going? Or would you have been irritated that Ling treated you like a child? Be honest with yourself on this.

When I hit 35 and the cochlear implant didn't work, I realized that deafness was going to be part of the rest of my life. I couldn't spend time apologizing for it. I also did not want to constantly alienate others over it. Can I expect the same behavior from someone in the Education Department as I expect from my husband. No. When the professors walk away from me talking at twenty miles an hour and they have obviously forgotten that I cannot lipread the back of their head, I usually roll my eyes and either change my position or remind them again that I am deaf. I cannot spend my entire life being angry...neither can you. Anger can kill you, as can chronic frustration. It leads to stomach problems and can cause a heart attack.So give it up. It is a conscious decision that we as deaf and HOH have to make, to live with our differences and not be angry so that our lives have some peace.