Bob Elkins
(Bobeee)
Copyright 2002
[NOTE from Editor: Bob eee is well-known for his thought-provoking stories and essays on the SayWhatClub lists. His postings also provoke any number of responses from his readers on the lists. Usually, Bob collects the responses and posts them to all the lists. This time, however, the responses to this particular posting was so overwhelming and so profound, we decided to make an exception, and publish them in the SWC Online Voices. The responses appear on the following pages.
Yesterday afternoon, I walked quickly in front of Ling to open the door for her as we left the fitness center. Suddenly I felt a pull on my backpack, and as I turned around, Ling said, "Bob, your backpack is unzipped, things might fall out."
"So what?" I reply with annoyance.
We walk along for a moment in silence until Ling says, "All right next time that happens I won't say anything to you."
I say nothing as we continue to walk home.
I wasn't happy with my response. That was no way to treat my wife. She was trying to be helpful and I reacted badly. What was wrong with me? I upset with myself, puzzled and silent.
As we cross the street, Ling speaks:
"Bob, why would anyone respond the way you did. I was helping you out and you say, 'so what.' That's not nice. Why do you do that?"
I have no answer.
I think about it. Why did I react the way I did? Ling is right; I was rude. What is wrong with me?
"Ling, I see a pattern here. I see when I react with annoyance it happens when I am confronted with my inability to hear. When you tugged on my backpack, it was obvious that you were trying to get my attention as I walked in front of you. You probably had to call after me before you grabbed me. I felt annoyed, not at you, but at my condition. I hate to be a nuisance. Obviously, again I was. So I automatically respond the way I did. It was wrong of me. I am sorry."
"Well, I am your wife, and I know you well enough to bring up your behavior. But others wouldn't. They would just think you are rude."
"You are right. I need to mend my ways."
"It's not the first time."
"Probably won't be the last either, but I'll work on it. I'm sorry. Forgive me?"
"Sure. But why can't you accept your condition?"
"I'm working on it."
We walk along and change the subject. But I knew Ling had a point. How long am I going to allow myself to be annoyed with my hearing loss? Why can't I simply accept my hearing loss condition? My attitude should be, "If it bothers you, it is your problem, not mine."
I don't know the answer. I don't know why it is so difficult to accept hearing loss? We have come a long way; we have ALDs, cochlear implants, relay service and captions. What we need most of all is an accepting attitude, one that allows us to live with serenity.
Now, how can we bring that about? What can we do to be at ease with ourselves? Why should I allow being unable to hear normally dominate my thoughts and feelings? It is not going to go away. I am still a good person despite hearing loss. What can I do to accept hearing loss?
It is a puzzlement.
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