Editor's note: this is part three of a three-part chronicle of Åsa Bäcklund's Journey Into Silence. To read the previous installments, point your Web browser to:
The first hours I got some morphine shots but when I got back to the hospital room I didn't need anything stronger than normal pain killers. I felt rather good I would say. I had anticipated much more pain and discomfort so I was pleased that things went as smoothly as they did.
I stayed for 3 days but that was because I had to take a train ride for about 11 hours to get home so I waited a day or two extra before going home. In the US I know that most CI patients don't even stay the night.
I got back my tinnitus after the surgery. For 6 agonising weeks I had my old very bad tinnitus and I was really afraid that it had come back to stay.
In November of 1999, it was time to go back to Stockholm and hook up the implant. I had low expectations but high hopes. I hoped that I would hear well enough to not have to turn my head all time when I was outside walking, that I would get enough hearing back to know when someone was calling my name, or when a car went by or even when a bird was singing. I was very unsure what to expect when it came to understanding speech.. but I hoped that the implant would give me enough to make my lip-reading a lot easier.
When I got to the hospital's CI clinic we started at once with programming the implant. I got to listen to several tones, and I was to decide which levels were high enough and low enough. I was afraid that I would not be able to hear these tones, but I immediately heard them and it was easy to determine how high and how low these tones should be. When this was done, and it doesn't take long, the technician turned to me and said "Can you hear me now?"
I sort of froze, because I could not determine if I had indeed heard him or if I was lip-reading and thinking I heard his voice. But he said, "Tell me if you can hear me." And I told him that he sounded just fine to me. It took several minutes for me to understand that I was really listening and hearing his voice.
We tested the program and put 2 other programs in but this first program was the one that worked the best for me at that time. Then it was lunch time and they told me to go to the lunch restaurant for an hour and to use the implant there. So I did and it felt just awesome, but the noise and loudness of it all was hard to cope with at first. I heard the bell that the elevator had, I heard voices and the sound of people walking everywhere. I could hear all these noises and sounds but I could not really figure out where they were coming from.
So I sat down in this huge restaurant and had my lunch. I heard lots of noises and people talking but I could not yet hear what they were saying. After a while I heard this one sound that came back over and over again. I tried to listen and to hear what it was but it was too hard. It was coming from behind my back and I tried for a long time to figure out what it was but in the end I had to turn my head to see what this noise was. It was the thing where everybody put their used tray in. The noise was coming from the glasses and plates clicking. I thought that was pretty neat and when I had figured out what it was I could ignore it.
In the afternoon I had a sitting where my hearing was tested. They read parts of a book for me and I was to repeat. It went very well indeed and I was on cloud 9 the whole time. And the best thing was that the tinnitus was gone, totally gone!
Later on that afternoon they asked if I wanted to try and use the phone. I said that I thought it would be to early for me to try something that difficult but they convinced me that they would never suggest such a thing if it would not be possible for me. So we first tried by him calling me from one room to the other. When we had done that with a very good result for a couple of times he asked me if I wanted to call home. So I did.. but nobody answered. Hubby was working and mom and dad weren't home. So I called my sister's house and her oldest son picked up the phone. I asked him if he could hear that it was me.. he said, "Åsa, can you hear now?" I told him I could understand what he was saying.. and tears were streaming down my face.
We ended that day since it had been a long and emotional day. I took the subway back to my sister's house where I was staying. When I was in the subway I heard the driver announce the stop where I was to get off.. wow.. I thought I had won a million dollars when I could hear and understand that over the speakers. When I got back to my sister's house, her kids had come home from school and stood in the window looking for me. When I got there they all came up to me and greeted me, smiling and hugging.
Johan asked me if I wanted to hear a song, and I said yes please. He started singing and I understood the lyrics and the melody. It was so amazing that I had to pinch myself to understand that it was not a dream. Both Johan, Erik and Emma cried and so did I. The best was yet to come though.
Later on that evening I called home and my daughter answered the phone. I could hear her on the phone for the first time in several years. She was crying so hard that it was hard for me to know what she was saying but it was a wonderful, wonderful moment. I then talked to my husband and my mom and dad and I wished they had had the opportunity to be there with me, but as it was, they were with me in spirit.
I stayed in Stockholm for another couple of days of testing etc at the CI clinic and then I went back home. I went back regularly every month for about 6 months but after that it was not more than once a year I had to go down to Stockholm.
When my CI was hooked up a whole new life was ahead of me. I am glad that I had the time to adjust and to accept my deafness before I had the implant though. If I had not had that time to accept my deafness I would have had to go through that acceptance phase sooner or later and for me it was a good thing that I had been totally deaf for around 1.5 years before hook-up. I knew that I would survive and lead a good life as totally deaf and I didn't think that the implant would make me hearing again and I think that was very important to me. I thought the implant would help me to hear some things and it really did. That it would give me back this much hearing was something I didn't hope for in my wildest dreams.
So in many ways I had a bitter journey, filled with sadness, grief, anger and isolation, into silence. A trip filled with joy back to some hearing. Everyday I think it is a miracle that I can go from utterly deaf to semi-hearing. It is a miracle to me because the CI has given me the chance of coming back into the work force and do what I used to do, to work as a counsellor. It would have been virtually impossible to continue doing that kind of work if I had been totally deaf.
So amongst the wonderful things, as being able to communicate with my daughter and husband with ease, the implant has given me hope for the future. The implant has been a gift, a wonderful gift, especially since my daughter was diagnosed with severe dyslexia in 2002. The implant has given me so much and today Anna and I communicate with ease and I no longer feel so tired of carrying that knapsack of guilt feelings that I used to walk around with.
I would not have survived all of this without the love and support from my family, nor would I have survived this without SWC. Because all of you are a part of my journey.
I met all these wonderful people in SWC and you all travelled alongside of me when I took my first steps towards some hearing again. All of you were with me when I broke my hip and had to be in the hospital off and on for more than 9 months. I promise you that if I would not have had my laptop and internet connection in that hospital I would have been crazy a long time ago.
All of you are members of this wonderful group of people who have been so supportive and loving. Without your support, love and friendship, it would have been a journey filled with pain and hardship, yet my journey back to some hearing again, has been filled with joy and hope. So I have to say THANKS! A big hug to all of you who made it so much easier for me. You reached out your hands in friendship, you gave me your friendship and love, your understanding and support. You gave me hope and information, knowledge about hearing loss and all the things that are connected with it.
I am now devoting my time doing volunteer work for HRF, the Swedish organisation for those with a hearing loss. I had a lecture for some students that are going to be nurses aides, last week, and I spoke of my trip into silence and back. I spoke of SWC and how important it is for people with a hearing loss to be able to meet and communicate with others in the same situation. Therefore I had to praise the internet that allows us to communicate with each other, to become friends with other people all over the world.
When I was almost done, the battery to my CI died. I put a new one in but it didn't work, apparently it was not a fresh one. So there I was, totally stone deaf, with a CI that wouldn't work. Some of them thought I had thought of this to show them how different it is to communicate with someone that is totally deaf.. but I didn't plan on this to happen, but when it did I seized the opportunity to show them that it is possible to communicate with a deaf person. When there is a will there is a way! But I told all of them what happened and I ended up showing them that in the end I was still totally deaf without my CI and that I still have to maintain my lip-reading skills etc. One never knows what can happen but today I know one thing.
I know that I can live a good life and a productive and happy life as a deaf person. If someone should have told me, back in 1997, that becoming deaf would make me a better person, I would have been very angry. But today I realise that I am a better person because of what happened to me. When I do the final analysis, I realise that it is not until now that I am ready to do what I can to help others, to do what I feel I have to do. It has been a hard road to silence but a much easier one, back to some hearing. Now it is time to move on, to focus on getting a job and to start a career all over again. I will stumble and I will fall, but I know that I can always turn to SWC for friendship, support and love and I am truly grateful for that.